okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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