I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
