There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
It's official drugs can't kill me
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
