Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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