Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
So much rum. So many feels.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
