he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
