Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
