just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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