So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
