Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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