Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
