Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
In other news, I just burned my penis
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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