Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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