If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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