im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
