Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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