The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
