Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
