He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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