the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
