Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
