As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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