HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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