I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
