Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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