its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize