take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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