I like to think it a success when the cops are called
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
