omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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