I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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