I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
