Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
