i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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