Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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