I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize