He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
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