Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize