Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
