Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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