you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
