I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
