woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
