the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I want her autograph on my taint
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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