So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
