This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
