insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
