did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
