is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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