I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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