Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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