did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
