You don't have asthma, your pregnant
That's intense
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize