this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
