I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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