Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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