I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
