i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
